By: Sanya Bari
Dissatisfaction with relationships has become the norm.
It is demoralizing for people in relationships—and those looking to create new ones—to be surrounded by others experiencing divorce, break-up, or hopelessness.
Many have given up on the dream of a relationship with sustained love and connection. They have resorted to either singlehood, one night stands, or open relationships—problem is—that hasn’t proven to be a solution either. Instead, it has just created another set of issues in the same vein. It, too, has failed to fill the abyss inside—to move from happiness and satisfaction to the more sustainable joy and fulfillment.
Most of us have no idea what a good relationship looks like—there are rarely any good role models.
In a way, most of us are set up for failure before we begin. Many say I wish there were a manual for all this. Well, there’s better.
Pre-nuptial counseling—don’t worry, it’s not therapy—can help.
So, why not take on the opportunity to learn to do it right from a professional?
Why not give yourself a boost? Why pass up an opportunity to find out another way to be in your relationship?
As a relationship therapist, I have found that many people give up on marriages, long-relationship, and even monogamous relationships out of fear and frustration, not finding another way—another solution, another way to be and to show up.
We have to save money for the wedding. Why waste it on prenuptial counseling?
I find it ironic that we spare no expense for the celebration of the wedding day but get so concerned about how much it would cost to go through a process that could make it more possible for the marriage to be a source of peace and joy.
If it were up to me, no ministers would marry couples unless they are given help to make it last.
I tell all parents and friends, prenuptial counseling makes the best wedding gift—maybe add that to your gift registry.
But we don’t have any significant problems. We’re enjoying eachother—why run the risk of messing it up?
You’re not getting pre-nuptial counseling to find problems or create problems where there aren’t’ any. It is to understand the individual differences to prevent problems before they occur.
I specialize in saving relationships when all else has failed—when all the therapists have fired you or the other way around—I want to validate all of those that dare to come to save their relationships. Still, I want to encourage all couples to get pre-nuptial counseling to prevent problems from becoming crises.
Why are we open to classes in parenting, wine tasting, business management, etc. but not pre-nuptial counseling?
Why say no to a manual? Why say ‘no’ to directions? The best part is, it’s totally customized to you, your partner, and the relationship dynamic
It’s time we realize we have to become more intentional in understanding what it means to find and create relationships that allow us to evolve into better versions of ourselves rather than diminishing our original nature and creating dissatisfaction in ourselves and others.
What is the fear? What is resistance to going to pre-nuptial counseling?
Check-in with your resistance, get curious about why you would say no to an opportunity to get specific and specialized guidance on how you can prevent and heal issues before they become crises.
Why leave flames burning and unattended? You’ll eventually get a fire. Why not show up to prevent the fire rather than showing up only to put it out.
What do they do in prenuptial counseling?
Most people are attracted to partners that are different from them—that’s the law of attraction and it’s beautiful—but don’t always know how to handle the difference when exposure to the differences is long and unrelenting.
Prenuptial counseling helps each person figure out their individual differences and the dynamic that develops when they are together. This gives them a leg up in responding rather than reacting when issues arise—as they are expected to arise in every normal relationship.
Prenuptial counseling helps people appreciate each other’s differences rather than trying to change the other person to suit their needs, which only causes resentment and, eventually, emotional separation or defensiveness.
When each person has a clear understanding of who they are, who their partner is, and the dynamic that develops between them, they feel more capable of handling issues, and they are not surprised or disarmed when issues arise.
Prenuptial counseling teaches people to communicate and connect according to their unique style and need.
Everyone has been hurt in some way or the other, but pain can be an opportunity to heal or the wave that takes you under. Which one it’s going to depend on what you choose.
Prenuptial counseling helps you heal your pain so that you don’t burden and break your relationship and accidentally hurt the one you love because you are still hurt.
Most people have seen their partners either being overly appeasing and shunning their desires in self-sacrifice or taking so much space that the others have to shrink. Prenuptial counseling helps you create a shared vision for your future rather than borrowing it from what you have seen others do.
Therapy? Is there a problem?
We have to start changing our misbelief that we seek therapy when there is a problem. In fact, one of the best ways to use therapy is before issues become problems. The best use of therapy is to take blocks that prevent you from becoming the best version of yourself.
I don’t want to be in therapy for my whole life.
Pre-nuptial therapy is generally done in 4 to 6 sessions. It’s not a trick to get you in and pin problems on you—you can trust yourself—you’ll know if that is happening, and you’ll get out of it.
You have the agency not to take advice if you don’t want to, but it’s foolish to avoid facing what might be a truth so that it can be healed—it doesn’t go away if you just don’t look that way.
I really hope this has helped bust some of the myths around prenuptial counseling. If you have more questions, I urge you to not keep misunderstandings alive—call or text me at 973-755-2306 for a 30-min complimentary consultation so you can ask questions on how pre-nuptial therapy can work for you unique situation.=